So I will set aside my morbid curiosity with the mundane and enter into the world of culinary abstractions…
No, really. I mean it.
Alright. One… Two… Three!
I… (sitting on the edge of your seat?)
Am… (YOU better not read ahead!)
A…
Vegan. (Yea, no exclamation point)
Whew! I’m glad I got that out. (not so exciting…right?)
We all still breathing?
Good. I hope so.
Yes, Veganism. I’m sure that’s not remotely as exciting as what you all were hoping for. No, extremes, I’m just not that interesting. Anyway, thought I’d take a moment out of my day to convey the tragic potency of my seemingly silly life choice… Because! it seems the vast majority of people I talk to in China, the U.S., Spain (Europa) just do not get it. Or at least they immediately assume there is something inherently wrong with me (besides the obvious factors)…
Now, I had an incredibly important/applicable/stupid? conversation with some friends awhile back (yea, because I don’t have friends anymore… *tear*) Ha. Anyway, I was forewarned of the (inevitable?) possibility that we’re all doomed to become cannibalistic zombies, and therefore, being a vegan, I’d be first to go… Now, this theory is taking into account the fact that once we’re all cannibalistic zombies, we actually maintain some kind of humanity, and thus, seemingly, we’re not actually cannibalistic zombies? Makes no sense right, but this is what they told me…
“Em… you do realize that when we’re all zombies, you vegans are gonna be the first to go?” banter. banter. banter.
Well, perhaps, but I can’t help but disagree with this a bit… So ok, say after maneuvering through the stranglehold of every other post-apocalyptic possibility (radiation, evil plants, evil rednecks, the internet, robots, radioactive toxic waste [superpowers!!!], feminists, meteoroids, aliens, nuclear bombs, animal activists, religious fanatics…I’m probably missing a few, please feel free to fill me in…), we do become cannibalistic zombies (see Zombieland, Sean of the Dead, Wrong Turn?). Why exactly would we vegans be first to go?
“For the record, Emily Dear, being a vegan sucks in any survival situation and most post-apocalyptic situations…” Perhaps. But why is this?
Ok. We’re going to pretend that in lieu of this hypothetical post-apocalyptic situation, all the vegetation is still intact, yes? because, if all the vegetation was destroyed, all vegans would no doubt go hungry (though I’m not sure that in the face of survival/hunger, anyone really holds that firm to their dietary habits/beliefs). But why is it that veganism always implies some kind of fanatical hippie nature?
Well, let’s make it very clear, guys, I ain’t no fanatical hippie. Yes, I’ve done my fair share of tree-hugging and forest ravaging, but those days are in the past, and I’m now quite certain I am just as technologically abusive as the rest of us. So, well then Ms. Newton-Tanzer… why be vegan at all? Especially, if in the face of this diabolical end, you’re going to have to renounce your beliefs anyway?
Deep Breath! Here goes…
Ok. Though veganism in some cases might imply fanaticism, being unhealthy, stupid, or unaware, extreme mental illness, etc, in my case, I just like it. Granted, I only take it so far as food intake. My clothes are not made out of hemp. I bathe daily. I mean, come on, I’m living in Beijing, and at home, I drive a gas guzzler. That should paint a vivid picture of the person I am, but primarily, in regard to actual nutritional value, bull shit economics (at least, in the U.S.) , ecological/environmental factors, and the attempt to be relatively efficient and sustainable (at least, to the extent I can) —veganism seemingly is the way to go.
What?! What! I see no proof!
Well, in terms of nutrition, I’m not a doctor (yet), all I can say is that I’ve read books. Anyone’s actually interested in this stuff, email me and we can delve into it, but to put it simply, in terms of being healthy and human, meat is just not viable. In all actuality, people can hardly process it, and LDL cholesterol isn’t so hot, unless you’re prone to heart disease, and that’s only accessible through food products that contain animal by-products. So yea, there’s that. And that’s just one example. The list goes on and on, proof after proof, but I’m not looking to sell anyone. There are some very interesting Docs in the U.S. though, Dean Ornish, T. Colin Campbell. Smart dudes. Practical facts. And they’ve got the MDs.
And honestly, due to all this post-apocalyptic possibility, we might want to start recognizing the facts that we can’t sustain this kind of standard of living, at least in terms of resources. The way I see it, I am very much only one person (the people in my head might say otherwise…) but it seems the most I can do is convey a belief, and abide by it. Really. I’m just some 19 year old girl. So I live a relatively healthy lifestyle, who cares? Like I said before, I’m just one person, but think about it, in terms of all the people in the world, if just a quarter of them decided to do the same, what kind of impact would that have? Weird, right? Weird, and probably ridiculously impractical, but this is how I think. That would make a difference. It’d like pay-it-forward (except not).
So yea, inevitable doom… post-apocalyptic cannibalistic zombies with some innate human nature. I guess vegan cannibalistic zombies could be the next new thing; even zombies need a culture… But I definitely run fast, so I think as long as I can outrun a good portion of the fat/old carnivores and the other vegans/vegetarians, I should be set. So what would that make me, second or third wave of people to go? I mean, we’d have to take into account whether we all just inherently become zombies or we don’t become zombies until we’re bitten… That would add a whole new factor, because as long as I’m human, my legs aren’t broken, and the vegetation is in tact, I should be pretty fine. You know it could be (ironically) that meat itself turns people into zombies, so inevitably vegans WOULD be screwed, as they’d be the only humans left. Well, vegans and vegetarians, but vegetarians ingest eggs and milk and the mutant zombie hormone could definitely take place there. That or the excessive proteins from animal byproducts that would lead to some zombie cancer/tumor. Again, vegans screwed, yet, ironically, still intact…
Anyway. I’m not sure if this post accomplished anything except to affirm and reiterate that I’m a bit off (due to veganism?) But, in regard to this irrefutable argument and all the extreme scientific evidence that we’re all doomed to perhaps this hypothetical post apocalypse, if not another, it would seem that unless you want to be a cannibalistic zombie, you might want to consider being a vegan. So take heed…if you happen to notice yourself salivating at some incessantly unattractive person, you might want to start buying into it… ? This ain’t no joke… hehe
Oh, and no, I am not going hungry in China. Veganism in China is perfection.
Too…. funny!